An Open Letter: To Those Who Don't Believe I Am Sick
I haven't been diagnosed with the likes of a terminal illness and I guess that is what makes it hard to understand. I have been diagnosed with an illness that is beyond complicated, can deteriorate at any time and there is no cure for. And some people can't wrap their heads around that.
Mostly all I want you to know is this:
I am not faking it for attention or pity. I am not lazy and most of the time I am not okay.
I have been to hell and back dealing with this illness- it's not even dealing with it, it's coming to terms with it. What I've been through wasn't a choice. I didn't choose to get sick. I didn't choose to give up on my education. I didn't choose to not be able to live my life that way I wanted to. Those things were in the firing line of a gun that CFS was pulling the trigger to.
There was no time for me to prepare myself for what happened. No time to mourn and no time to say goodbye to my now old life.
Some days it's a struggle to get out bed, but I make myself get up out of guilt. Some days I am in a bad mood and most days I am in pain. I don't always let on when I'm not okay and that is out of guilt as well.
I worry about my future, you don't have to remind me of that. I worry that I may not be able to do the things I once was able to do and things I loved to do. I worry that my life may always consist of pain and mostly I worry that it won't go away.
I miss the 'old me.' The 'me' I was before all of this. I am trying my best to be her again. Parts of me are still the same but there are parts that aren't. The 'old me' never went through what I have now been through and yes that changed me in some ways. I have accepted that and if you can't then there's nothing I can do about it.
I try my best to smile through my pain and tears. It's exhausting and at times it can be so lonely. Please don't tell me to 'get over it.' Please don't judge me as you have no idea what I am going through.
But most of all live your life because you never know when you might have to stop living it.