Recovery: Part lll
Recovery. What exactly is recovery? By definition 'it is a return to a normal state of health, mind and strength- the action or process of regaining possession or control of something stolen or lost.' If only getting to the recovery stage was as simple as its definition.
Recovery is a process, a very long one at that. Honestly I thought recovery was pretty straight forward- you get sick, you recover, you get on with your life. By hell I was wrong..
It's been a rough few months health wise, with some really good days and some really bad days. There were times where I thought I was getting close to the recovery stage, I was getting a little more energy and achieving a few more things. To say I got my hopes up was an understatement. And when hopes are high, there is a hard hitting fall. And when I fell, I fell hard. I relapsed and relapsed.. Only then did it dawn on me that I wasn't anywhere near the recovery stage and it's going to take more than the odd good day to get there. Naturally, that got me down and that's when anxiety/depression hits me the most.. When my body decides to pack up on me, so does my mind. I've come to realise that you're allowed to feel sorry for yourself, you're allowed to have them days when you think what is happening to you isn't fair. As long as after that day you pick yourself up, brush yourself off and you readjust your mindset/attitude because that's the only way you're going to come out the other side.
Now, I'm at the point where I am excited for recovery. I'm excited to see what is next and I'm also excited to learn my about myself. Throughout this illness I have learnt more about myself than some people do in their entire life and that is something I am thankful for. I know who I am, I know what I want and I know what my body and mind can do/take. I'm so much more self aware and fuck I'm so proud of how far I have come and the fight I have put up. Some people may think what fighting are you doing? My answer is I'm simply fighting for my health. You only see me on days I'm up to doing something. And after them days I have gone out, I spend the next few days recovering and building my energy back up whether that's in public or private. More often than not I don't like burdening people, I make out like I'm ok when I'm really not and that's something everyone does at some point.
A sickness should not be defined by the seen- meaning you shouldn't decide someone is/isn't sick by the way they/their body looks on the outside and the same goes for recovery. For some, recovery can be harder than actually falling sick. Recovery is fragile, but it's worth it when you come out the other side.